No. I will not cry. I will not cry.
Open dammit! Calm down girl. Deep breath. Steady. Now slowly, pick out your key from the bunch and slide it into the keyhole. Like you do every night. Now go to the fridge, take out a beer. Okay two. Go to your room. Don’t stop, don’t think, just get into bed, drink your beer and wait for sleep to take you. Be merciful God. Let the sleep come early tonight. Please.
I need to pee. No i need to get back to sleep. If i pee, the sleep may not come back. Ignore it. Close your eyes, take your mind off your bowels and focus on sleep…
Damn, i need to pee.
I sigh heavily as i trudge wearily to my bathroom because i know that the sleep will not come back.
I did not ask for him to love me.
The minute we met, i put him in the ‘friend zone’. I wasn’t looking for a guy and he had a girl. We were too alike anyway, it’d be awkward. Same mannerisms, thought and behavioral patterns, we even had mood swings at the same times. Birthdays, a few days apart. It would be like we were dating ourselves. Awkward much. *shudder*
So we talked. And hung. And laughed. And talked more. And understood. Even in silence. We didn’t always need the words. But there was never an emotional connection. Not like i was interested in him that way but even if i was, his thing with his girl was pretty serious. I wasn’t a fool to expect him to leave her for me. I didn’t even want him to do that, they seemed like they had a good thing going. It was just nice to know someone who understood me perfectly even when sometimes i didn’t understand myself. That’s all it was. So i was careful to never cross the line.
I really can’t say when the exact moment was that we crossed the line. It wasn’t the first time he kissed me. I didn’t respond; i wasn’t moved. If anything, it reinforced that we weren’t supposed to be more than friends. He got the message.
Somehow we spent a few hours together on Valentine’s day. Kiss me dammit, i remember thinking. Lol. What can i say, i was lonely and it was Valentine’s. Even the monks would want to feel wanted i think. He didn’t see it though, couldn’t sense that it was what i wanted. I guess he had finally accepted his ‘friend’ status.
So how? How did we get to this point were i’m clutching my stomach on this bathroom floor? Me?? Invulnerable, detached me? I can’t seem to stop heaving. Breathe girl. You’re gonna start hyperventilating soon. Why does it hurt? It should not hurt.
The second kiss was interesting. I responded this time. Not earth shattering but not bad. The third happened a few minutes after the second. I guess three times really is a charm. We were swept off our feet. Literally.
Okay so apparently, we connected physically as well as mentally.
Even then, we still kept things lighthearted. Unemotional. Or so i thought.
It was really very silly. I did something, he got a bit upset and walked out. I wasn’t prepared for the way my heart felt when he walked out. Why did i feel like I’d just been sucker punched? What did i care if i’d hurt him. I didn’t care. I shouldn’t care. I called him back.
“You’re mad and i feel bad. I’m sorry”. I couldn’t say more. I was still trying to place all the emotions swirling inside me. Did i just say i was sorry? I never apologise outright. Never.
He sighed heavily. “I’m not mad babe. It just stings that you don’t trust me.”
“What do you want from me?!” I screamed, trying to push him away. My little hands did not do any damage to his sturdy chest. He inched in closer.
“Why won’t you trust me babe? It stings that you don’t trust me after all this”, he said in the calmest of voices, taking my hands in his.
I withdrew my hands rapidly, “After all what? What is this exactly that we’re doing?”
I couldn’t believe I’d just said that. We were friends. Just friends. We’d defined that from the beginning. I knew he had a girl. What did i expect him to say? I wasn’t even sure what i wanted him to say.
“Stop it. Stop it! I’m not this person. I don’t know how to be vulnerable. Don’t ask me to trust you. What’s the point? You have a girl who makes you happy so where does that leave me?”
As i said those words, i knew i’d done it again. The last time i’d asked a guy to choose, it didn’t turn out well. The rejection had stung. I swore i’d never do it again. That story was almost funny. You know how you’re driving on a legal lane and then someone on an illegal lane edges you out and before you know what’s happening, you’re the one who’s illegal? I was the main chick. I’d known about previous side chicks but they were temps. They always faded after a while. But that particular time was different. I could tell. I asked him to choose.