You’re eating again, smiling again, taking pleasure in the little things; even glowing. Your friends say you’re glowing. Books are interesting again, Music is rhythmic again. Love is desired again, and no longer banished forever. These days when you laugh, no sorrow falls out.
But out of the blue he texts you. Something seemingly innocuous, like “Hey, see our game last night?”
And all of a sudden you’re not healed again. The dam bursts and the waters of unwanted feeling rush at you like it’s nobody’s business, not even yours- happiness that he’s texted you, pain because he hurt you, anger because why now, and something else that you can’t quite find the word for…longing maybe, because you still want him. And mad. You’re mad because you’ve given yourself ‘the talk’. The one that itemizes all the reasons he’s not the one. The one that rationalizes the situation; not in an ‘everything happens for a reason’ type of way, but in a ‘this thing happened for a reason’ type of way. Heck, you even learned all the lessons.
The lessons. You remember the lessons. How the timing wasn’t right. How you were in different emotional spaces. How you both saw the end coming afar off but still dove in anyway, because feelings. You remember calling a meeting to go over these things with your head and heart; giving them both a stern talking to, and making them promise to do better next time. You remember the time. The time you lost agonizing over the situation, and getting over the loss. You remember the time it took you to move forward, time which you will never get back. The time it took you to get to this place. This place where everything is fine again.
You look in the mirror, and all of a sudden, his text, as innocuous as poison ivy, doesn’t matter anymore. You like who you are again. You’re eating again, smiling again, taking pleasure in the little things; even glowing. Your friends say you’re glowing. Books are interesting again, Music is rhythmic again. Love is desired again, and no longer banished forever. These days when you laugh, no sorrow falls out.
You’re healed goddamn it, and by Jove you intend to stay that way.
12 thoughts on “Of Healing and Staying Healed”
This is me now. And it wasn’t even a text, it was a stupid song.
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The list of songs that are on my ‘avoid’ list could probably fill a book. :( And then there’s random sights, sounds, scents, tv programs, words, etc… You get were I’m going with this right?
I think I need to be on another planet really. Smh, smh.
I know this place. Very well in fact. *sigh* I think I live there now cos I got so doggone tired of continually having “the talk” with myself and then falling off the wagon. *sigh* I even wrote a thing, but then I couldn’t post it. What’s your email address Dandan? I wanna send it to you… (How well I know this place. *sigh*)
Beautiful. And very relatable. But healed goddamn it. Love it.
LMAOOO. This one is back.
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Looool. You’re a goat!
Ooooh. Been here before. It was hard but healing came eventually.
Cheesy Pick Up Lines
Please be back. Please be back. Please be…sorry. This post is so damn accurate, I almost hate you (jokes o).
Its worse when the other person still doesn’t see what you’re seeing- the mismatch, the inevitable crash.
Or when after giving your all, you find out it was never real; he was a fraud. The talks become scoldings to yourself.
I love you, and this writing is one of the reasons why.