“Love is patient…”
I’m sorry, but yeah how about I say fuck that. It’s been almost a year of waiting, hoping, that someday you would be here and we would both drink in the same air. A year of waiting for the opportunity to look into your eyes and search your pupils for the imprint of my image. How many more years do I have to wait till I can hold your hand and wrap my fingers around them while lying in the same bed with you? How patient must I be till I can wake up to the sweet smell of lemon bath scents emanating from your body as you ease your back into me? It’s no longer a fucking thing; The patient dog doesn’t eat no bones no more because while he waited, the smart ones made their move and robbed him of what he thought was his prize.
How can it be said that real love waits? Waiting brings pain and hurt as desire increases. Waiting drives me insane because I want what I can’t have now. I want you but it has pleased the universe to place approximately 6519 flight miles or 10491flight kilometres between us. This transcends to 13 hours 29 minutes of flight time. Do you know how hard it is to accept that what separates me from you is a flimsy ticket? This same universe has also decided to fuck with my bank balance, ensuring I can’t purchase said ticket as things stand. Tell me someone isn’t enjoying messing with my joy…
“Love is kind…”
Well, how about whoever is in charge of the happiness of humans look down on a sad me and kindly grant me the gift of you? Is this really too much to ask? How is it that the desirable is not available and yet the available holds no desire at all? I’m not going to act like I don’t have my share of ladies who desire to be with me. They exist; in their number. I can hear your words clearly “it’s ok to be with them physically, I want you to” We’ve tried that. I mean I’ve lain beneath as the ride progresses and in that moment, all I can think of is “This is wrong” Not wrong because I shouldn’t, but wrong because we should. The pleasure of sex should be ours to savour. With every release, I cringe inside, my essence cries out for you. This isn’t the kind of love I want.
“It does not envy, It does not boast…”
I’ll be lying if I say I don’t watch my friends as they do stuff couples do; getting all cuddly and mushy. I see their giggles, I see the silent stares that speak louder truths than have ever been said. I see the ‘from behind waist hugs,’ I see the kisses and the arguments. I see the occasional silence and tense moments. I see it all. I envy them. I want that. Well, maybe not exactly envy because the English language defines it as volatile (like I care). This isn’t doing….
“Love is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered…”
Are you fucking kidding me? I guess I’ve already defaulted then. See baby, saying I’m proud of you doesn’t even quite cut it. You’ve faced a whole lot of shit in your short life, It seems we’re the favourite pawns in the Universe’ game of “How much can you take?” Somehow, you have risen above all the bullshit. Yes you’re scarred, yes you’re bruised, yes you don’t exactly feel like you’re standing because the weight is much but even without me there to help ease the burden, you’ve held on and for this I’m proud. Yes my love, I’m proud. Call me self centred or self seeking but I can only think of me right now, I want you (for me), I want to kiss you (for me), I want to actually hold you in a hug and feel the suppleness of your body on my skinny self (yes FOR ME!!) AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!! FUCK YOU DISTANCE! FUCK YOUR METRES AND KILOMETRES AND YOUR ENTIRE-FUCKING MILES AND STUPID OCEANS AND CONTINENTS. FUCK YOU FROM NOW TILL ETERNITY!!!
“It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth…”
The truth is you’re not here and there’s nothing to rejoice about in that. Forgive this lame attempt at a letter; putting my present emotions into words is not exactly my forte. That smile on skype, that moment when I just stare and say nothing? That’s me wishing, rummaging through my brain searching for a way to snatch you out of that stupid screen to my side forever. I didn’t choose this distance, we didn’t know we were headed down this lane. But we are here now and the fucked up thing is; we know not how long we must endure this 360 degrees of separation. You are where you are based on some things that have happened in your past; your heart is hard locked and your body is tired. I find it hard to forget those who brought you hurt, those who made you cry. I want to right that, I also want to hurt them for wronging you. Don’t laugh, I may be ‘small’ but I’m ready.
“It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…”
Sigh…Every night, I hear your voice, every day we talk and I find myself wondering when? Is my hope ever going to become reality? Am I building castles in the air? Am I wasting away my time loving someone so close to me yet so far away? It’s just been a year, many have done more. I don’t even know, but this I do;Yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery. All we have is now, right this moment, we aren’t even guaranteed the next hour so rather than wonder, I choose…nay, decide to love you with all I am and all I have right now. It’s nothing. It’s little; but it’s my everything.
This one thing I agree with; No matter what may, this love, it won’t fail.
I love you baby.