I’m tired of trying.
No. This isn’t an attempt to sound pained when I’m not. It’s also not an invitation to a pity party; they’re just the best lines that describe my feelings towards love at the moment. It’s amazing how a space of one year can completely change your outlook on stuff, well maybe not exactly change it but show you the flip side of what was a bed of roses.
I think I’m coming to the place where I can honestly tell myself I do not know what real, reciprocated love feels like. At this point to be honest, I’m not sure I actually do know what love is. You know how you fall out of a relationship and your guys are like “don’t worry son, that had to happen for the one who will make you happy to come”? You’re like “yeah” so you toughen up and look forward to the next relationship. You tell yourself this is going to be it and then prepare yourself so that you’re the prince charming to her Snow White.
You use all your alone time to make sure you are the man of the woman of your dreams. You meet this woman and tread easy; you take stock of the things that went wrong in your last relationship and check to see that they aren’t present here. You take your fucking time to make sure you don’t pass off the chance of forever for the momentary pleasure of the present. (Pun very intended).
Fam, you do all these and swear you’re going to make this work. She even makes it easier because you (and all others) can see that she’s a complete packaged blessing from God. All is going well, you’re taking selfies with the boo because; fuck it, you’ve got a boo now. You’re hanging with the guys less because, fuck it, the boo is at yours and cuddling > FIFA. You’re floating on cloud 9 forgetting the dangers of being so high up, because, fuck it…and then BAM!!! Humpty Dumpty might have fallen from a wall but it was because a babe broke his heart.
Nigga, fuck love abeg.
Let me tell you where I am, how this love is doing me: I’m at a place where I don’t understand the workings of love; a place where trusting anyone is as easy as taking out a bad tooth from the mouth of a lion. I’m really tired of trying to be with that person that’ll be my peace. I’ve been to both extremes; being with the ‘bad girls’ and the ‘good ones’ and I swear there’s really no difference between Rihanna and Carrie Underwood. They’ll just hurt you in different ways, but they’ll both hurt you.
Nah, you’re probably there thinking “maybe he flips at the slightest hint of oncoming hurt” LOL, no. I’m the excuse guy. I’m the guy that chooses to see the best in everyone, I’m the guy that makes excuses for you, I’m the guy who won’t believe shit except you say it to my face, I’m the guy that wants to fight to hold on even when I know I’m clutching at straws. I’m that guy Usher sang about- that found it hard to “let it burn”. My God, I’m actually quite hopeless. Lol.
Love on the other hand doesn’t care who you are, or how good a person you might be. It’s no respecter of persons and it will flip that concrete floor you were sure you were on till you plunge millions of miles downwards and shatter your heart. Don’t give me that “wait till you find real love” line shit. The painful truth is that our generation is the “quickie generation” Instant ATM disbursement, fast food, Instant messaging etc; we want it all now. We’re not about that “time” business.
Love today isn’t patient, neither is it kind. You ain’t making the big bucks and you want me to struggle with yo ass while my mates are riding front in a G wag? Nigga fix your priorities. You want her to believe you were just being nice dropping Tola off last night? Nah son, kindness is a lie, you want to tap that huh?
Love keeps no records of wrongs? My nigga. You have one lil’ argument and she quick to tell you how she held on to you even when she saw you tongue twisting some other girl at Sip that night. Yup, stay woke. The basic truth is; I’m not pained really, just sad that what I thought was going to be the best experience of my life (finally falling in love) has been the worst. It’s not so much about me falling (friends say I’m too quick to fall), it’s the fact that we even have to doubt the sincerity of our feelings because they have been conditioned to be suspicious.
Going about feeling girls are just gon’ hurt you is me right now. Look, no matter how sincere you are, trust me I’ve seen sincerity and expressionssssss of love via giving but in the end, here I am. This isn’t even a function of infidelity or incompatibility (is there such a word?) Just some plain ol’ fucking annoying reason that has nothing to do with fucking (cos I know you’re thinking that).
I’m not saying you shouldn’t fall in love and all that, far from it. I’m not even trying to advice you because I simply ain’t got time for that, all I’m saying is me o, I don’t think love is for me.
So what does this mean? That I’m going to become a player? Use and dump? Shag and brag? Hit and run? Lol…I doubt that. I’m just going to be happy. I’m not going to give anyone that precious key that allows you dictate my happiness. I choose to be happy irrespective of shit. We all are on that journey; the pursuit of happiness. All that we do is aimed at getting to that place where our joy is natural, not hinged on anything or anyone. My happiness was hinged on finding love and when that never worked, I’d find myself sadder than Damani dada (ignore that, I just wanted to rhyme).
So to y’all in love, good for you. To those of us who aren’t but are going to be happy regardless, cheers to us. I know I’ve written a whole load of gibberish but if you’re gonna take one thing away from this, let it be this:
“The best feeling in the world is realizing that you’re perfectly happy without the thing you thought you needed”
I’m not there yet, but that’s the goal
(Read his piece from last year here: 6519; 10491 )